I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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