Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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