it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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