My liver just broke up with me...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
