i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
