Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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