i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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