The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
