I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
