i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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