is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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