don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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