if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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