I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
