I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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