I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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