My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
