She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
