i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
should my penis look like a turkey
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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