wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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