I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
