There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
