I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
