I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
