Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
