why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
