oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
