I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my liver is dry heaving
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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