drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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