i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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