Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
