I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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