Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
