This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
