I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
