I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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