I accidentally had phone sex last night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
