I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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