I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
