"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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