They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
