what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
