No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
