that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
