Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
