drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
