so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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