my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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