I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
