but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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